Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
