She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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