I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
