official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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