Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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