the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
