Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
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We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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