Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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