I wish my penis had an off switch
I think i peed on brittanys purse
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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