Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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