I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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