I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
