Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
