The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
