just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
