oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
