Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
