The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
