i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
