I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
