Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
