I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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