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this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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