i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Someone signed my nipple.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
