There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
