if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
