just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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