I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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