My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
