I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
