please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
