I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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