Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
