before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
