I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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