2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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