Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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