i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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