My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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