Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
