Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
