I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All I want is dick and wine.
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