Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
