she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
