don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
