life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
