Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
