i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
