I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
