Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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