I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
