i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
