Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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