I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
