saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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