and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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