I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
