here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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