If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
